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As I sit here with a pile of homework so high that I've got no idea where to start, I realize how much life has changed for me these last couple of months. I'm a far cry from the anti-social recluse that I was in secondary school.

I'm still prone to days where I'd like nothing more than to curl up and die and hence spend those days brooding and generally unwilling to interact. But the people around me now react differently and I've (hopefully) reacted in accordance to their actions. In retrospect, they are one of the best things that's happened to me in a long time.

My secondary school class mates would have reacted negatively to my negative behaviour and of course, in this case, negative times negative do not give you a positive. I don't know what's different about my school mates now -- Maybe they're older, maybe it's because I'm in a Christian college, maybe it's because I just haven't caught on to the gossiping behind my back. I don't know, but I'm glad for it. They allow me the space to be myself without enstranging me. They don't mind that I spend more time with my teammates than them, something I feel infinitely guilty for.

Rhys said I've been looking happier lately. I hadn't even noticed but I thought about it and I have to admit that I really am happier with everything and everyone around me. It's not a big drastic change... but it's significant enough. I still get called up on my blank, scary face though, mostly from the bowlers =.=

I had my best friends and close friends beside me all along, Sarah-ann, Lizzy, Rhys, Christian, Yuin, Kim, Trish. And to them I am eternally grateful. They're individuals that have made a great impact on my life. But right now, I'd just like to pay tribute to my classmates at SAJC for being special people to me.

I am enjoying a rather full life right now and while stressful, it has been highly rewarding and I am indubitably most blessed for everything I have in life. Right now, Common Test 1 is over and I'm still recieving back my grades.

Knowledge & Inquiry - C
Math - U(ngraded)
Literature - TBA
Economics - TBA
Chinese - A

Evidently, I still have a long way to go in terms of academics. I've fallen back in Math and Econs and KI and Lit take up so much time. Bowling, likewise, has a lot more for me to work on, but my teammates make it worthwhile. Now is the period of the handing over of leadership from the year 2s to the year 1s and I can only hope that next year will be a better year for all of us. The year 2s will be horribly, horribly missed (understatement) and it's hard to imagine school life without them.

I will also be taking my music theory exam at the end of the year while my piano will be taken next year. I foresee a jam-packed schedule the beginning of next year. Family is the same as always, but I am learning patience that I draw from my older siblings who have no doubt grown very much from the irritating brothers that made my life hell when I was younger.

And so ends my reflections of the year so far, in regards to school. Hopefully I have managed to successfully convey my thoughts and feelings as I realize how much more there is to life and how much more I have to learn, experience and grow. I'm still a child in so many ways! And also. I hope this explains why I haven't been around these past months, having been caught up so fully with life and its emotional handluggage.

With much love, I applaud you if you've read the whole thing.

290507

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SANTI NILAHHHH <33333


I'm at Changi airport now. Ready to head to UK.
I hope I don't screw up and/or do something indefinitely stupid and/or careless as I am prone to do so. It'd definitely be hard to clear up messes over there.


Personally, I love the bowlers. ((: They make SAJC worthwile.
Can't imagine myself anywhere else... much less TJC @_@ or ACJC T_T
Thanks for flooding my inbox, yo.

With much much much love,
and nothing else to say,
Jillian <3

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Yes, I'm obviously not a very consistent blogger. In fact, if I may, this blog seems to be an outlet for my frustration and anger. Trust me, there are deleted posts from my "angst-years" (which, coincidentally are not over) that you do not want to see.

I'm quite happy where I am right now, though. SAJC has been awesome in that the people here are great and the bowling is always a plus. Not to mention the swt compound. The only thing I could possibly be dissatisfied with is with the academics in this college.

But I'd rather be here than anywhere else. (:


Nationals are on its way, training has picked up to 3-4 times a week. My right thumb is approximately 1.5x the size of the left one and my middle and ring fingers are on its way to being callused. Now they're just sore.

Been doing a lot of last minute work, considering that I can NEVER get any work done on tuesdays, wednesdays, fridays and saturdays when there's training. I get home at 10++ and even if I don't, (AND TRUST ME ON THIS) Bowling is a very mentally draining sport. So don't give me that "Oh. But it's just Bowling!" look. I will KEEL you. >F

I hope things get better after nationals... but I don't want nationals to be over. You get what I mean? Conversely, I hate studying.

Speaking of last minute work, gotta do my PI which is due today. It seems that work that has been given at least a week's worth of notice have all been done on the day itself within the hour.

So.. ya. My poor teachers and friends.

050307

I have an absolutely amazing CG

http://07A08.blogspot.com

Not looking forward to 2nd intake right now.

030307

Sometimes I look at him and I wonder what goes through his head. I look at him and I feel confused. I feel like yelling at him. Or physically attacking him. Neither'd be of any use, I know.

He's completely unreasonable, stubborn and unwilling to see things from a different perspective, much less consider the situation from the point of view of others. He's a bigoted twit most times. And the most ironic thing? He insists otherwise.

It's as though he enjoys making the people around him miserable.

I grew up not knowing him. He bludgeons his way back into our lives and all of a sudden, I'm expected to act as though he has been there at every step of the way. At my early stages of life, while I still needed guidance for most of the decisions and choices I had to make, he was preoccupied with other things. By the time he stepped in again, I'm sorry to say that I grew enough of a brain to be able to decide most things for myself. Whether he likes it or not.

But I love him. How can I not?

Unfortunately, he makes it so easy to hate him.

I'm no longer an infant nor a child. Not a pre-teen nor an immature brat. If there's one thing my mother successfully brought me up to be, it's to be an independent, and mature thinker. Not be a spoilt, whiny moron that still views the word through rose tinted lenses all the time.

That, however, does not make me a complete fatalist or cynic. I'm still a girl. Sensitive and prone to bouts of PMS, wants and needs.

And I want and need my God. I live for Him and love Him. How can I not?

He is so easy to love, because He loves me unconditionally and has been there everytime I look to Him.

So if he can't accept that, I cannot but defy. I will not renounce my Lord, even for a loved one like himself. He can continue to blame it on everyone else around him save for himself, but it will not change things. I can only pray that he will see the light. Somehow, some time. How do I let him know how important this is, that it is not hypocrisy or a waste of my time? How do I assure him that I do love him?

No matter how many times he brings me to tears, threatens me, threatens my mother, yells at my brother and creates public spectacles... some things will never change. And this is one thing I will not give up.

I am seventeen this year. No longer considered a minor, even in the eyes of the law. If I have to stay out late because I had a meeting, a training session or because I wanted to spend time with friends, it does not mean that I have no care for him or that I have absolutely no wish to spend with him. I have just... grown up a little more.

Perhaps I grow overzealous with my social life, but it does not make me love him any less. I am no longer a child that spends all her time at home. Instead, I have been given independence. And a curfew. Which I do keep, to the best of my abilities.

... Never have I had to report to more than one parent. But now I do. So I live and learn. Unforuntately, habit is hard to break.

But I can say this: I cannot read his mind. With vague references and wordless demands, I am completely unable to know what he wants. It makes no sense whatsoever that he expects me and my siblings to carry out his every whim when we don't even know what these whims are.

Hence, I can also tell you this: His expectations are unattainable.

There is always this feeling of helplessness and frustration every time I talk to him. His words hurt, like clamp or vice over my chest. There is also resignation when I hear a commotion outside my door, be it him and my mother or him and my brother. Same old thing, over and over again.

Have I really failed as a daughter?

... Has he succeeded as a father? As a son to his own mother?

Does the fault really lie with me?

I don't have answers. Perhaps there are no answers. Whichever the case, it stands that I have no inkling as to what to do now.

I try to ignore it. Fail miserably. I have so many things to do aside from locking myself in my room so that I can wallow in misery and self-pity. I hate looking at my brother and watching him cry, hate watching my mother trying to make light of the matter, hate watching my grandmother plead with my mother to not take him seriously.

It's like another drama serial all over again.

Now he refuses to pay for anything. Not my bowling, not my trips, not my anything save perhaps for the household bills.

I grew up in luxury; had whatever I needed and wanted. I am now more sure than ever that it was my mother that taught us not to depend too much on it because such things are never 'forever'. So when it was taken away, it did not seem like my life had ended. It had merely changed. That is not to say that money is completely unimportant, however. Sure, I can do without having more than enough money. I can live by the fact that I actually have a budget.

But how do I turn to my mother who is already working so damnably hard? How do I ask her for money when I know thinly she has to spread her income? My school supplies, my music, my bowling fees, my bowling equipment, my allowance? How can I, when I've heard the words "barely enough"?

I really can't.

What's the use of doing well in everything else? What's the use of gaining self-satisfaction from my studies, from my bowling and leadership achievements when I look at him and feel like I'm never enough?

Somehow, I'd rather he were still out there working into the early hours of the morning, doing whatever it is he did with his elitist group of friends.

Because right now, I'm just very, very tired.